Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Tattoos Banned in Heaven AND Hell, Says Scientist.

     According to a controversial study by a leading scientist, individuals with permanent markings on their skin are unable to enter either Heaven OR Hell.
     The scientist, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of death threats from tattoo activists, told My Urban Fantasy:
     "Based on data collected last year from a random sample of clairvoyants in contact with the Other Side, tattoo-wearers are increasingly being rejected from Heaven and Hell.
     "As everyone knows, it has long been the policy of Heaven's gatekeepers to reject the tattooed. This dates back to the time when only thugs and criminals wore tattoos, stating their allegiance in ink to "Mom" or the Marines. Such people, turned away from Heaven, always had a home in Hell.
     "However, now that the middle-class has embraced body art, Hell is being overwhelmed by newly-deceased individuals with tramp stamps and the like.
     "To coin a term, there is simply no room at the Fiery Inn for them at this time.
     "People with tattoos won't want to hear this, but they are now fated to spend the eternal afterlife as tortured Lost Souls who frighten the living with their unsettled presence. I'm not judging them--it's just a fact."
    When asked how tattoo-wearers who are still alive could alter that fate, the scientist replied, "The only option I can see is to remove their tattoos. And a laser treatment is not good enough. Every trace of the tattoo must be removed with a sharp instrument such as a surgeon's scalpel. Or individuals on a budget or with a do-it-yourself bent may use a steak knife, as long as gauze and medical tape is available to staunch the blood flow."
     In a final encouraging note, the scientist added, "The already dead may also be helped by this method if their bodies are exhumed and their withered tattoos scraped away with a gravedigger's shovel."

My Urban Fantasy
a publication of Edgar Allan Poe Community College

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