Redneck Stops Tree-Hugger from Going "Too Far."

     I'm a big time nature lover, this I'll admit. I'm a rabid environmentalist as  matter of fact. My father, dear saracastic capitalist prig that he is, claims that I use toilet paper twice before flushing it away. He's wrong! I wipe myself off with leaves!

     And I was well on my way to having the biggest compost pile in my apartment complex until...well...a recent embarassing night.

     It seems like a dream when I think back. Or a nightmare, depending on your point-of-view. The event took place in a public park. I'm a passionate tree-hugger and had my eyes set on a vibrant birch with supple, head-turning limbs. For several days it had been beckoning me with its intoxicating scent.

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     I longed to mount the young stripling, to sway with it as one in the evening breeze.


     Fortunately, a passing trucker hurled an obscenity and a 16-ounce can of Bud as I caressed a strip of peeling bark. I say fortunately, because had I wrapped my legs around the young birch's slender trunk, it would have surely snapped an died under my weight.

     Thanks, my fine redneck friend, whoever you are.

     Jacob in Eugene, Oregon