Saturday, March 30, 2013

Bloomberg to Declare Coffee Addictive, Shutter NYC Starbucks.


In a world exclusive, My Urban Fantasy has learned that Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York*, is laying plans to declare coffee addictive and close Manhattan's approximately 200 Starbucks coffee cafes.

Said a spokesperson, who requested anonymity due to the sensitivity of the case, "Mayor Bloomberg has determined that caffeine, coffee's active ingredient, is a health hazard that the city can no longer tolerate. It's an addictive substance that controls the lives of millions of New York residents. Users awake groggy and cannot begin the day without a 'jolt' of this beverage, after which they become jittery and hyped up. Under the sway of caffeine, they descend onto our city's streets, subways and sidewalks, manifesting the aggression long identified with New Yorkers--but actually the result of coffee ingestion.

"Talking loudly, elbowing fellow citizens out of the way in order to get the last seat on public transportation and repetitive honking of vehicle horns are just a few of the negative results.

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"To make a long story short, coffee use has tarnished New York, creating the image of it as a chaotic maelstrom of aimless activity signifying nothing. Therefore, Mayor Bloomberg will be initiating an anti-caffeine campaign that will begin by closing all Starbucks. Independent coffee 'pushers' will be given thirty days to comply, after which caffeinated sodas and other sources will be banned.

"A force of at least 5,000 caffeine monitors will be hired, more than making up for the barista jobs that are lost."

*America's largest city, according to knowledgeable sources.

My Urban Fantasy

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