Saturday, December 29, 2012

16 Shocking Predictions for 2013!

     

  • Psychiatrists will make great strides in understanding why anyone in their right mind could identify all the Kardashians.
  • Steven Spielberg will reveal his long-held plan to remake Gone With The Wind as a feature-length Claymation cartoon, with four pounds of genuine Georgia clay in the lead roles.
  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will announce and quickly retract their divorce when they realize they’re not married.
  • Perpetually confused and angry U.S. Senator John McCain will shock his colleagues when he introduces a bill requiring Barack Obama to stay off the White House lawn! 
  • Madonna will import posh British ghosts to haunt her California mansion, launching a major Hollywood fad.
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                      Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

                      She’s pudgy.

                      She’s vulgar.

                     And she just left her baby Kurt in a running car on a hot day
                     while she dashes into a drug store to shoplift.

                    But you’d be very wrong to hate her.

                    "Layla Phillips is a teen mom to die for."

                                             $2.99 Kindle or NOOK.


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  • Extending an olive branch to its unemployed youth, The United States of America will re-brand itself as The 50 States of U  and commission a new national anthem written by Lil’ Wayne.
  • A tech-obsessed couple will exchange vows by texting each other--in separate churches!
  • Thousands of ambitious female singers will gain weight and apply fake moles and facial hair in order to earn their chance at stardom in the new reality show Let’s Find The Next Susan Boyle.
  • Based on the belief that private citizens make better decisions than government bureaucrats, Texans will vote that individuals can determine their own tax rates, decide if they are too drunk to drive and when it’s O.K. for them to commit adultery.
  • University of Phoenix will be admitted to the Ivy League.
  • California environmentalists launch L.A. to S.F. stagecoach service. Travelers appreciate the leisurely 6-week journey.
  • Five-pound rotary dial cell phones become Japanese rage.
  • Banned in city after city, plastic shopping bags will soar in value. An elderly woman will sell her collection of 200 mint condition Safeway bags for $5,000 on Pawn Stars.
  • Outsourcing will reach absurd heights when vagrants hire illegal immigrants to panhandle for them.
  • The U.S. Chamber of Commerce will recognize panhandling as “America’s fastest-growing small business.” A spokesman will call beggars “grass-roots entrepreneurs…our economy needs is millions more like them.”
  • In December, 2013, everyone will be wondering what happened to: Ke’ Sha, The Tea Party, Chelsea Clinton's TV career, family wage jobs, summer and their car keys.
Posted by My Urban Fantasy





Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Mitt Romney Edges Honey Boo-Boo To Top 2012 Carnie Awards.

     In a powerful indicator of his presidential prospects, Mitt Romney narrowly bested 8-year-old reality show phenom Honey Boo-Boo to win the 8th annual Carnie Awards honoring the nation’s leading carnival-style hucksters, side show acts and con artists.
     “Eight-year-old Honey Boo-Boo was the overwhelming favorite going into this year’s contest. But an aggressive Mitt Romney staged a late surge to shove the diminutive cutie from the spotlight,” said Peter Fenton, who chaired the selection committee of current and former carnies.
     “Honey Boo-Boo is a pint-size P.T. Barnum who outraged America with her low-brow antics on the TLC reality show, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. Aided by her nose pickin’, gas-emitting family, Honey parlayed the controversy into Hollywood gold. When last seen, Honey was slurping spaghetti in an exclusive Beverly Hills restaurant and laughing all the way to the bank in a chauffer-driven limousine,” added Fenton, author of Eyeing the Flash: The Making of a Carnival Con Artist (Simon & Schuster, 2006). The New York Times called the book “A cross between Ferris Bueller and William S. Burroughs…A hilarious, twisted coming-of-age story.”
     Continued Fenton, “But Mitt Romney has employed an evangelist’s fiery fervor and a casket salesman’s charisma to convince millions of voters of that his plans to end Medicare and cut taxes for the rich is good news for middle-class Americans who desperately need the social safety net and aren’t rich. It is for the successful selling of this outlandish proposition that Mitt Romney stepped over Honey Boo-Boo to finish first in the 2012 Carnie Awards.
     “Mitt Romney is living proof that people today are just as gullible as they were back when housewives bought snake oil from fast-talking grifters while their husbands drooled at strippers in dimly-lit tents.”
      

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Justin Bieber's "Believe" Spurs Threat to Throw Kittens off Golden Gate Bridge

Justin Bieber fans snapped up 370,000 copies of his new album Believe last week--sending it to Number One on the Billboard 200.

But Justin's eager acolytes may soon pay a heavy price for their rash decision. This morning, My Urban Fantasy received an email from an anti-Bieber activist group threatening a horrific action if Bieber-mania doesn't come to a complete halt.

Here are excerpts from the email, sent exclusively to this blog.

                             But first this word from today's sponsor:
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                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                         By Sara L. Rose

                                $2.99 exclusively on Kindle

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”


Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

She’s pudgy.

She’s vulgar.

And she just left her baby Kurt in a running car on a hot day while she dashes into a drug store to shoplift.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                         Here are the email excerpts:

Dear Urban Fantasy:

It was with a heavy heart that we read the latest issue of Billboard magazine. The industry bible reported that 370,000 Americans purchased Justin Bieber's Believe. This despite the fact that the mop top's auto-tuned warblings make one wish that God had not invented hearing...

...Therefore, we are taking the following action:

Beginning at a time of our choice, we will be heaving one cute kitten off the Golden Gate Bridge for every additional copy of Believe that is sold...

Rest assured, we don't taken this action lightly. We love fuzzy kittens as much as anyone else. The idea of watching one little furball after another plummet hundreds of feet into the Pacific Ocean is appalling. But so is Justin Bieber's music--and at times sacrifices must be made to achieve a greater goal.

We are sacrificing kittens with the goal of stopping Bieber-mania for good.

Justin fans now face this stark fact:

Download Believe and you kill a kitten.

Regretfully,

Anonymous

posted by My Urban Fantasy


Sunday, June 24, 2012

Redneck Stops Tree-Hugger from Going "Too Far."

     I'm a big time nature lover, this I'll admit. I'm a rabid environmentalist as  matter of fact. My father, dear saracastic capitalist prig that he is, claims that I use toilet paper twice before flushing it away. He's wrong! I wipe myself off with leaves!

     And I was well on my way to having the biggest compost pile in my apartment complex until...well...a recent embarassing night.

     It seems like a dream when I think back. Or a nightmare, depending on your point-of-view. The event took place in a public park. I'm a passionate tree-hugger and had my eyes set on a vibrant birch with supple, head-turning limbs. For several days it had been beckoning me with its intoxicating scent.

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                                                   By Sara L. Rose

                                            $2.99 exclusively on Kindle

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”


Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

She’s pudgy.

She’s vulgar.

And she just left her baby Kurt in a running car on a hot day while she dashes into a drug store to shoplift.

But you’d be very wrong to hate her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     I longed to mount the young stripling, to sway with it as one in the evening breeze.


     Fortunately, a passing trucker hurled an obscenity and a 16-ounce can of Bud as I caressed a strip of peeling bark. I say fortunately, because had I wrapped my legs around the young birch's slender trunk, it would have surely snapped an died under my weight.

     Thanks, my fine redneck friend, whoever you are.

     Jacob in Eugene, Oregon


Thursday, March 15, 2012

New Baby Bling Strollers Feature Stereo Speakers!

Maybe I'm behind the curve, but doesn't the idea of Baby Bling strollers seem a little--well--outrageous?

Here are some of the features the $500 + strollers offer:

*I-Pods
*Stereo Speakers
*DVD Packages
*Wild, Wild Colors

And if that's not enough for the well-heeled mom, she can also buy her rug-biter $70 spangled baby shoes, $22 diapers and $50 pink sunglasses.

Follow the links if you're in the market.

And now a word from our wonderful sponsor--

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                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”


Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

She’s pudgy.

She’s vulgar.

And she just left her baby Kurt in a running car on a hot day while she dashes into a drug store to shoplift.

But you’d be very wrong to hate her.

Layla loves Kurt dearly, if not well. And she’s willing to fight to the death the forces eager to rip Kurt from her tender embrace.






Expert Reveals How Carnival Games Are Fixed.





     EXPERT REVEALS HOW CARNIVAL MIDWAY GAMES ARE FIXED.

    
     Did you ever wonder why you leave the carnival midway with no prizes in your arms—and no money left in your wallet? Well, it’s no accident that you didn’t win that stuffed bear or Dale Earnhardt Jr. t-shirt, according to ex-carnie Peter Fenton.
     “Carnival hucksters aren’t stupid. They’ve got street smarts and years of experience hoodwinking ‘rubes’ into believing they can win something for nothing. And the games they entice you to play always give them the advantage,” says Fenton, author of EYEING THE FLASH: THE EDUCATION OF A CARNIVAL CON ARTIST (Simon & Schuster), a memoir of his life as a carnival con man.
     Continues Fenton, “Not every carnival game is rigged. But all of them are created to give the carnie the house advantage—and leave you with empty hands.”
     Here are insider secrets from Fenton that could help tilt the scales in your favor on classic carnival games:

     GUESS YOUR WEIGHT GAME: The secret to this game is that the carnie doesn’t care whether he guesses your weight correctly or not. With rare exceptions, the prize you win when he makes a ‘mistake’ cost him less than what you paid to play!

     BASKETBALL THROW: There are many tricks to this game. The hoop is often a touch too small, the backboard is not regulation height and the ball is either over or under inflated.

     MILK BOTTLE THROW: The three milk bottles you need to knock down with a softball are not all the same weight. Often, the bottom bottles are weighted down with lead, making them difficult to topple.

     CATS ON A SHELF: This throwing game requires you to knock sawdust-stuffed ‘cats’ off a shelf with a baseball. In extreme cases, the carnie controls a hydraulic lever that can extend the width of the shelf, making it impossible for the ‘cat’ to fall completely off the shelf.

     BALLOON DART: When the player pops a balloon with a dart, he wins the prize described on a tag that’s revealed. Unscrupulous carnies simply ‘palm’ any tag that awards the player a major prize, replacing it with one awarding an insignificant prize.

     BUSHEL BASKET: To win this deceptively simple game, the player needs only to toss a softball into a common bushel basket so that the ball remains inside. However, a shifty carnie can secretly tighten the tension on the bottom of the bushel, causing the ball to pop out—and the player to lose.

     DIME TOSS or GLASS PITCH: People who play this game win a piece of tableware when the dime they toss into the center ring remains in one of the plates, glasses or bowls spread out before them. The only “fix” here is that it is very difficult to throw a dime in a way that it doesn’t skip out of the plate.

     CRANE GAME or “DIGGER”: This game asks the player to operate a scale-model crane in a glass case filled with prizes. The player wins as many prizes as he can scoop up with the shovel. Difficult to begin with, the game can be made even harder by a carnie who uses a screwdriver to tamper with the claws on the shovel, causing the prize to fall out.   

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Can Men Catch PMS From Women?

Dear My Urban Fantasy:

I'm convinced PMS is actually a highly contagious disorder. Every month, my wife's headaches, crying jags, extra pounds and bad nerves are passed along to me.

I guess it's some sort of sympathetic response--or that syndrome where the hostage starts to identify with his captor...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                    Today's Sponsor
                                      

                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 ...
The only difference between my PMS and hers is that I don't complain about men.


Jim in Cleveland


Dear Jim:

Stop whining and take a Midol!

My Urban Fantasy

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Ten Chinese Murdered for Singing Justin Bieber Songs.

Over the past six months, China has been stung by a series of murders, all reportedly provoked by karaoke versions of Justin Bieber's One Time.

At least ten people have been murdered after the tune was performed at karaoke.

Local media call the deaths the "Justin Bieber Killings" and they are occurring in some of the sprawling nation's thousands of karaoke-filled bars, cafes and restaurants.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”


Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

She’s pudgy.

She’s vulgar.

But you’d be very wrong to hate her.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's how the murders occur: Someone gets up, clears his or her throat and chooses One Time from a list of songs approved by Communist Party censors. The lyrics appear on a screen, the music begins to play--and trouble begins.

Some performers get into fights with their critics. Some are rude. Others jump forward into the unruly crowd using the microphone or broken beer bottles as weapons. Audience members respond by flinging chairs or pulling knives. In the worst cases, performers--or their hecklers--have been murdered.

Chinese authorities are considering a crackdown on Justin Bieber songs, videos and newspaper articles about him.

filed by My Urban Fantasy







Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Shocked Gal Finds Lipstick on Boyfriend's--SOCKS!

           
     Dear My Urban Fantasy:

     Here's my personal fantasy nightmare:

     Every woman knows to look for lipstick on her man's collar. But lipstick on his socks? That’s the dilemma I face every time I do my man’s laundry. Yeah, he’s the man of the house and I take care of it. But that’s all right with me because he’s a good provider and we have two beautiful kids I love being here to watch grow.
     Until one day when I noticed a lipstick stain when I was sorting his socks, which is actually quite easy since he only wears white. How did I know it was lipstick? Well dear, the stain was lip-shaped, like some cortisone-injected Carmen Elektra look-alike had planted one on his big toe. It was Naughty Night by, I think, Revlon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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                        Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                
     After regaining my composure, I shrugged it off. After all, a neighbor of mine once saw the face of Jesus on her boyfriend’s boxer shorts.
     But as the weeks went by, I spotted Raunchy Red, Satin Doll and various and sundry other hues. I had no alternative but to conclude that, indeed, some two-bit hussy was open-mouth kissing my guy’s socks and she had a fortune to blow on lip gloss.
     You may find this funny, but I’ve learned to live with it. I figure she can have him from his ankles on down as long as I get to keep the rest.

Anne in Minneapolis



                                 

Monday, February 20, 2012

Auction House Selling Whitney Houston's Clothes to Highest Bidder!!

Let's see--Whitney was buried on Saturday.

Today is Monday.

Two days later--by the calculations of my pre-morning coffee brain...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                  Advertisement

                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on exclusively Kindle

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...And an L.A. auction house has already announced it's auctioning off a collection of her clothes to the highest bidder.

Don't believe me?

Here's the link from CBS News.

My Urban Fantasy
                       

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Drowning in Bathtub a Wake-Up Call for Whitney Houston, Says Insider.

Dateline Beverly Hills

There is an upside to the tragic death of singer Whitney Houston, I can exclusively report.

A reliable source on the Other Side tells me that the Grammy-winning chanteuse has decided to enter rehab to recover from her alleged drug and alcohol addictions.

“Drowning in a bathtub was a wake-up call for Whitney,” the source told me. “In a dramatic shift, she’s decided to abandon the wild lifestyle that caused even her most devoted fans to wonder what kind of s*** she was smoking. And what the f*** she saw in that fool Bobby Brown.”

                                                Advertisement

     Dead celebrities are just as f****d up in the Afterlife as they are on Earth, according to Dr. Abraham Tribesky, psychiatrist to deceased Hollywood stars.
     In his shocking new ebook, Michael Jackson is Being Harassed in Heaven ($2.99 Kindle), Dr. Tribesky reveals the tabloid-worthy lifestyles and outrageous opinions of his famous neurotics from the Other Side. Like:
     *Lady Gaga Banned from Rock 'n Roll Heaven
     *DJ Decapitates Fan with Flying Vinyl (Is Biggie's Ghost to Blame?)
     *Sinatra's Frank Advice for Justin Bieber.
     *Same Ghost Appears in 20 Episodes of Paranormal State!

     MICHAEL JACKSON IS BEING HARASSED IN HEAVEN, by Dr. Abraham Tribesky, psychiatrist to deceased Hollywood Stars ($2.99 Kindle).


“Starting today, Whitney plans to devote herself entirely to music. It’s still her #1 love, even though some say she spent enough on cocaine to buy her own Mexican cartel (a step one financial advisor allegedly suggested).

“Whitney feels that it’s never too late to right a wrong. She’s going to live life one day at a time for an eternity.

“Whitney is actually elated at this sudden turn of events. She’s as giddy as a crackhead with a kilo-size pipe.

“And to add frosting to the cake, Michael Jackson has just volunteered to be Whitney’s sponsor! What pop music lover wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall at their highly entertaining AA meetings!!”

I’ll update this story as the situation warrants.

Abraham Tribesky
95-Year-Old Psychiatrist to Deceased Hollywood Stars


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Conceited Rich Dude Asks "Ladies, If I Was A Slob Would You Still F*** Me?

     Attention ladies!
     I’m 5’9" and 235 pounds of pure fat. I have a 4-day growth of beard that’ll rub your cheeks raw. Even the black, curly hairs on my shoulders need a good trim. I bathe once a week and call my mom every night, after which I prefer being alone with my thoughts for two hours. I wear the same Chuck Norris t-shirt and khakis I sleep in and own every DVD Adam Sandler ever made. My favorite sports are ESPN ladies’ billiards and Monster Truck Racing. I like slow walks to the liquor store and warming my feet on a HD-TV screen. I appreciate candlelight dinners when you prepare them, especially the foods of Eastern Europe, like beef tongue and kielbasa. Quiet evenings at home are my dream. I’ll play Hit Man and stare at your ass while you cook.
     Wanna date?
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                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


     That’s the reaction I feared. You see, I used to be the kind of guy girls would die for. Handsome as hell, with rich parents and Einstein-level brains. That was my torment. I had no way to tell if a girl wanted the flawed, real me inside. Then I got an idea from my roomie at college. He was a slovenly mess and didn’t have pretty b*****s by the score.
     So I took a page from his book. I became a slob. Unfortunately, my scheme worked too well. The type of girls who used to jump my bones now avoid me like the plague.
     That’s why I’ve composed this candle in the darkness, as I search for the good woman for me.
     Is it you?
     Here’s how to find out: Next time you’re at a party and spot a repulsive, snot-dripping loser, ignore his grizzly façade. Instead, employ your considerable charm. Seduce him. You may discover under his stomach-churning exterior a wonderful rich brainy guy. Me.
     On the other hand, it might be my roommate.

            No?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Bride Hasn't Told Groom She Plans To Remain A Virgin Forever.

     Dear Urban Fantasy:
     I plan to stay a virgin forever. But I haven’t told my fiance yet. I want it to be a surprise. Call me a naïve little country girl, but I think it will strengthen our marriage. When "Boyd" and I started dating, I explained I was old-fashioned and chastity was important to me. He simply said, "That’s cool. I’ve always wanted to marry a virgin." He learned good values on the family farm even though he didn’t have much company other than his dog and 16,000 chickens.
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                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     Just 99 cents on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Our romance blossomed into love and now we’re making plans for a June wedding. Boyd still treats me like a princess, even though he grinds his teeth a lot and gets headaches.
     I notice that it wasn’t the same with the girls who slept with their boyfriends. After a while, the guys stopped being nice, acted bored and began roaming. Even after they married.
     That’s why I decide to keep my virtue. It’s the only way I can guarantee Boyd’s lasting interest. This way, he’ll probably stick around, treat me right and be there for the chickens.
     Just to be on the safe side, I took a job working the graveyard shift at the fertilizer plant.

Thank you,
Alyce in Missouri

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Who Would Win The Teen Mom SuperBowl?

                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER
            
                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




In a knock down drag-out Superbowl between the girls of Teen Mom, who would win?

Amber?

Cateyln?

Farrah?

Maci?

Post answer in Comments.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Fabric of My Destiny: A Review

     When my 10-year-old daughter likes a book, she always says the same thing to me:  “That was a cool book!”  Well, that pretty much is my opinion of The Fabric of My Destiny.

      For one thing, it’s not your typical urban fantasy story.  The heroine, Jyngee, is a Romanian-American and the last half of the book takes place in Romania—which I actually found pretty fascinating.  Second, Jyngee comes into her own as a powerful force for good—as well as a paranormal powerhouse—mostly in the second half of the book.  Not to say the first half is blah.  It’s not.  When you meet one of the bad guys, Jacques Taran, early on, you realize that beneath his movie star good looks lurks a heart of pure evil.  And you just want to keep turning those pages.  The first thing you think is:  Will Jyngee fall in love—or hate—with the guy?  I won’t spoil it for you.

     On top of that, I really like the main character—Jyngee.  She’s like a girl you’d want for your best friend:  smart, pretty, balanced and motivated.  She has dreams and ambitions and she pursues them; she knows what she wants out of life.  She can give you sensible and sane advice.  But the best thing about her is—her courage.  She faces obstacles with a full frontal assault.  That’s something I admire.

     It’s a complicated tale that becomes fully involving because the plot is well-paced, the writing is strong and the story-telling is first-rate.  In short, it’s a very cool book.  

     The Fabric of My Destiny, published by small imprint Edgar Allan Press, is now available for $2.99 on Kindle and NOOK


     Phyllis