Mitt Romney Edges Honey Boo-Boo To Top 2012 Carnie Awards.

     In a powerful indicator of his presidential prospects, Mitt Romney narrowly bested 8-year-old reality show phenom Honey Boo-Boo to win the 8^th annual Carnie Awards honoring the nation’s leading carnival-style hucksters, side show acts and con artists.

     “Eight-year-old Honey Boo-Boo was the overwhelming favorite going into this year’s contest. But an aggressive Mitt Romney staged a late surge to shove the diminutive cutie from the spotlight,” said Peter Fenton, who chaired the selection committee of current and former carnies.

     “Honey Boo-Boo is a pint-size P.T. Barnum who outraged America with her low-brow antics on the TLC reality show, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. Aided by her nose pickin’, gas-emitting family, Honey parlayed the controversy into Hollywood gold. When last seen, Honey was slurping spaghetti in an exclusive Beverly Hills restaurant and laughing all the way to the bank in a chauffer-driven limousine,” added Fenton, author of Eyeing the Flash: The Making of a Carnival Con Artist (Simon & Schuster, 2006). The New York Times called the book “A cross between Ferris Bueller and William S. Burroughs…A hilarious, twisted coming-of-age story.”

     Continued Fenton, “But Mitt Romney has employed an evangelist’s fiery fervor and a casket salesman’s charisma to convince millions of voters of that his plans to end Medicare and cut taxes for the rich is good news for middle-class Americans who desperately need the social safety net and aren’t rich. It is for the successful selling of this outlandish proposition that Mitt Romney stepped over Honey Boo-Boo to finish first in the 2012 Carnie Awards.

     “Mitt Romney is living proof that people today are just as gullible as they were back when housewives bought snake oil from fast-talking grifters while their husbands drooled at strippers in dimly-lit tents.”

      

Justin Bieber's "Believe" Spurs Threat to Throw Kittens off Golden Gate Bridge

Justin Bieber fans snapped up 370,000 copies of his new album Believe last week--sending it to Number One on the Billboard 200.

But Justin's eager acolytes may soon pay a heavy price for their rash decision. This morning, My Urban Fantasy received an email from an anti-Bieber activist group threatening a horrific action if Bieber-mania doesn't come to a complete halt.

Here are excerpts from the email, sent exclusively to this blog.

                             But first this word from today's sponsor:
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                                     ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                         By Sara L. Rose

                                $2.99 exclusively on Kindle

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

She’s pudgy.

She’s vulgar.

And she just left her baby Kurt in a running car on a hot day while she dashes into a drug store to shoplift.

But you’d be very wrong to hate her.

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                                         Here are the email excerpts:

Dear Urban Fantasy:

It was with a heavy heart that we read the latest issue of Billboard magazine. The industry bible reported that 370,000 Americans purchased Justin Bieber's Believe. This despite the fact that the mop top's auto-tuned warblings make one wish that God had not invented hearing...

...Therefore, we are taking the following action:

Beginning at a time of our choice, we will be heaving one cute kitten off the Golden Gate Bridge for every additional copy of Believe that is sold...

Rest assured, we don't taken this action lightly. We love fuzzy kittens as much as anyone else. The idea of watching one little furball after another plummet hundreds of feet into the Pacific Ocean is appalling. But so is Justin Bieber's music--and at times sacrifices must be made to achieve a greater goal.

We are sacrificing kittens with the goal of stopping Bieber-mania for good.

Justin fans now face this stark fact:

Download Believe and you kill a kitten.

Regretfully,

Anonymous

posted by My Urban Fantasy

Redneck Stops Tree-Hugger from Going "Too Far."

     I'm a big time nature lover, this I'll admit. I'm a rabid environmentalist as  matter of fact. My father, dear saracastic capitalist prig that he is, claims that I use toilet paper twice before flushing it away. He's wrong! I wipe myself off with leaves!

     And I was well on my way to having the biggest compost pile in my apartment complex until...well...a recent embarassing night.

     It seems like a dream when I think back. Or a nightmare, depending on your point-of-view. The event took place in a public park. I'm a passionate tree-hugger and had my eyes set on a vibrant birch with supple, head-turning limbs. For several days it had been beckoning me with its intoxicating scent.

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                                                     advertisement                                                 

                                               ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                                   By Sara L. Rose

                                            $2.99 exclusively on Kindle

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

She’s pudgy.

She’s vulgar.

And she just left her baby Kurt in a running car on a hot day while she dashes into a drug store to shoplift.

But you’d be very wrong to hate her.

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     I longed to mount the young stripling, to sway with it as one in the evening breeze.


     Fortunately, a passing trucker hurled an obscenity and a 16-ounce can of Bud as I caressed a strip of peeling bark. I say fortunately, because had I wrapped my legs around the young birch's slender trunk, it would have surely snapped an died under my weight.

     Thanks, my fine redneck friend, whoever you are.

     Jacob in Eugene, Oregon

New Baby Bling Strollers Feature Stereo Speakers!

Maybe I'm behind the curve, but doesn't the idea of Baby Bling strollers seem a little--well--outrageous?

Here are some of the features the $500 + strollers offer:

*I-Pods
*Stereo Speakers
*DVD Packages
*Wild, Wild Colors

And if that's not enough for the well-heeled mom, she can also buy her rug-biter $70 spangled baby shoes, $22 diapers and $50 pink sunglasses.

Follow the links if you're in the market.

And now a word from our wonderful sponsor--

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                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

She’s pudgy.

She’s vulgar.

And she just left her baby Kurt in a running car on a hot day while she dashes into a drug store to shoplift.

But you’d be very wrong to hate her.

Layla loves Kurt dearly, if not well. And she’s willing to fight to the death the forces eager to rip Kurt from her tender embrace.

Ten Chinese Murdered for Singing Justin Bieber Songs.

Over the past six months, China has been stung by a series of murders, all reportedly provoked by karaoke versions of Justin Bieber's One Time.

At least ten people have been murdered after the tune was performed at karaoke.

Local media call the deaths the "Justin Bieber Killings" and they are occurring in some of the sprawling nation's thousands of karaoke-filled bars, cafes and restaurants.

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                                        advertisement

                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

Layla Philips is a teen mom from the wrong side of L.A.

She’s pudgy.

She’s vulgar.

But you’d be very wrong to hate her.

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Here's how the murders occur: Someone gets up, clears his or her throat and chooses One Time from a list of songs approved by Communist Party censors. The lyrics appear on a screen, the music begins to play--and trouble begins.

Some performers get into fights with their critics. Some are rude. Others jump forward into the unruly crowd using the microphone or broken beer bottles as weapons. Audience members respond by flinging chairs or pulling knives. In the worst cases, performers--or their hecklers--have been murdered.

Chinese authorities are considering a crackdown on Justin Bieber songs, videos and newspaper articles about him.

filed by My Urban Fantasy

Shocked Gal Finds Lipstick on Boyfriend's--SOCKS!

           

     Dear My Urban Fantasy:

     Here's my personal fantasy nightmare:

     Every woman knows to look for lipstick on her man's collar. But lipstick on his socks? That’s the dilemma I face every time I do my man’s laundry. Yeah, he’s the man of the house and I take care of it. But that’s all right with me because he’s a good provider and we have two beautiful kids I love being here to watch grow.

     Until one day when I noticed a lipstick stain when I was sorting his socks, which is actually quite easy since he only wears white. How did I know it was lipstick? Well dear, the stain was lip-shaped, like some cortisone-injected Carmen Elektra look-alike had planted one on his big toe. It was Naughty Night by, I think, Revlon.

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                    advertisement

                        Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

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     After regaining my composure, I shrugged it off. After all, a neighbor of mine once saw the face of Jesus on her boyfriend’s boxer shorts.

     But as the weeks went by, I spotted Raunchy Red, Satin Doll and various and sundry other hues. I had no alternative but to conclude that, indeed, some two-bit hussy was open-mouth kissing my guy’s socks and she had a fortune to blow on lip gloss.

     You may find this funny, but I’ve learned to live with it. I figure she can have him from his ankles on down as long as I get to keep the rest.

Anne in Minneapolis

                                 

Auction House Selling Whitney Houston's Clothes to Highest Bidder!!

Let's see--Whitney was buried on Saturday.

Today is Monday.

Two days later--by the calculations of my pre-morning coffee brain...

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                  Advertisement

                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on exclusively Kindle

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

 

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...And an L.A. auction house has already announced it's auctioning off a collection of her clothes to the highest bidder.

Don't believe me?

Here's the link from CBS News.

My Urban Fantasy

                       

Conceited Rich Dude Asks "Ladies, If I Was A Slob Would You Still F*** Me?

     Attention ladies!

     I’m 5’9" and 235 pounds of pure fat. I have a 4-day growth of beard that’ll rub your cheeks raw. Even the black, curly hairs on my shoulders need a good trim. I bathe once a week and call my mom every night, after which I prefer being alone with my thoughts for two hours. I wear the same Chuck Norris t-shirt and khakis I sleep in and own every DVD Adam Sandler ever made. My favorite sports are ESPN ladies’ billiards and Monster Truck Racing. I like slow walks to the liquor store and warming my feet on a HD-TV screen. I appreciate candlelight dinners when you prepare them, especially the foods of Eastern Europe, like beef tongue and kielbasa. Quiet evenings at home are my dream. I’ll play Hit Man and stare at your ass while you cook.

     Wanna date?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

                       advertisement

                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

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     That’s the reaction I feared. You see, I used to be the kind of guy girls would die for. Handsome as hell, with rich parents and Einstein-level brains. That was my torment. I had no way to tell if a girl wanted the flawed, real me inside. Then I got an idea from my roomie at college. He was a slovenly mess and didn’t have pretty b*****s by the score.

     So I took a page from his book. I became a slob. Unfortunately, my scheme worked too well. The type of girls who used to jump my bones now avoid me like the plague.

     That’s why I’ve composed this candle in the darkness, as I search for the good woman for me.

     Is it you?

     Here’s how to find out: Next time you’re at a party and spot a repulsive, snot-dripping loser, ignore his grizzly façade. Instead, employ your considerable charm. Seduce him. You may discover under his stomach-churning exterior a wonderful rich brainy guy. Me.

     On the other hand, it might be my roommate.

            No?

Bride Hasn't Told Groom She Plans To Remain A Virgin Forever.

     Dear Urban Fantasy:

     I plan to stay a virgin forever. But I haven’t told my fiance yet. I want it to be a surprise. Call me a naïve little country girl, but I think it will strengthen our marriage. When "Boyd" and I started dating, I explained I was old-fashioned and chastity was important to me. He simply said, "That’s cool. I’ve always wanted to marry a virgin." He learned good values on the family farm even though he didn’t have much company other than his dog and 16,000 chickens.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Advertisement

                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     Just 99 cents on Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

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     Our romance blossomed into love and now we’re making plans for a June wedding. Boyd still treats me like a princess, even though he grinds his teeth a lot and gets headaches.

     I notice that it wasn’t the same with the girls who slept with their boyfriends. After a while, the guys stopped being nice, acted bored and began roaming. Even after they married.

     That’s why I decide to keep my virtue. It’s the only way I can guarantee Boyd’s lasting interest. This way, he’ll probably stick around, treat me right and be there for the chickens.

     Just to be on the safe side, I took a job working the graveyard shift at the fertilizer plant.

Thank you,

Alyce in Missouri

Who Would Win The Teen Mom SuperBowl?

                                Teen Mom Kicks A** in Nail-Biting New Thriller

                                                     ONE BAD MOTHER

            

                                                           By Sara L. Rose

                                                     $2.99 Kindle or NOOK

“Sara L. Rose has created a teen mom to die for. She’s the Amanda Hocking of thriller authors.”

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In a knock down drag-out Superbowl between the girls of Teen Mom, who would win?

Amber?

Cateyln?

Farrah?

Maci?

Post answer in Comments.