Tuesday, December 15, 2015

15 Celebrity Predictions for 2016. And More!



   1.  University of Phoenix will be admitted to the Ivy League
  1. Southern California will be devastated by a massive 8.7 earthquake after a rupture in the fault lines of Renee Zellweger’s plastic surgery scars.
  2. A famous DJ will decapitate a fan—with flying vinyl!
  3. Banned in city after city, plastic shopping bags will soar in value. An elderly woman will sell her collection of 200 mint condition Safeway bags for $5,000 on Pawn Stars.
  4. Outsourcing will reach absurd heights when vagrants hire illegal immigrants to panhandle for them.
  5. Revlon will release a new men’s cologne designed to enhance male bonding. Called Bromance, the brand will mimic the scent of stale PBR and Dennison chili farts.
  6. Dr. Drew will be exposed as a practicing drug, alcohol, gambling, internet and sex addict. He will then cure himself in a 10-part reality show by playing bass with recovering addicts from Guns ‘n Roses, Motley Crue, Ratt, Warrant and other VH1 Classic bands too numerous to mention.

"A cross between Ferris Bueller and William S. Burroughs...A hilarious and twisted coming-of-age story" --New York Times.


  1. Terrorists will kidnap Justin Bieber to widespread public approval. No search will be  undertaken—and in an incredible reverse ransom the puzzled group will be paid a huge sum to keep him.
  2. This watershed event will inspire the creation of Celebrity Kidnap, a hit Fox Network reality show in which audience members decide which annoying celebrities they want abducted.

  1. A fraternity member will throw up on a twenty-topping pizza and none of his frat brothers will care! 
  2. Texans will vote that individuals can determine their own tax rates, decide if they are too drunk to drive and when it’s O.K. for them to commit adultery.
  3. California environmentalists will launch L.A. to S.F. stagecoach service. Travelers will appreciate the leisurely 6-week journey.
  4. Five-pound rotary dial mobile phones will become Japanese rage.
  5. Adam Sandler will say something funny.
  6. English will be declared the “official 2nd language” of the United States.

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